There comes a point in self growth where you hit a ceiling and you are not anxious to break through. I believe this happens often, and sometimes you need to sit where you are a while before deciding to breakthrough. Because once you do, it is going to be something new throwing you for a curve, new level new devil. Sometimes it’s nice to sit inside our comfort zone for a while.
I have hit my parenting ceiling. I know that I yell too often at my kids... usually it is because they are in their own bedrooms and I want them to come down for dinner. I see my husband wince every time I do it. Nothing happens. They do not respond. I resort to calling or texting them so I'm heard. Yet I STILL yell.
I yell at them for not getting up after I told them too 5 times. I yell at them when I can visibly tell they did not brush teeth after they said that they did. I yell at them for infuriating me because I am not heard through their headphones. This one happens a lot.
This is the shit I need to own. For years I said I don’t want to be the screaming mom. Honestly, I don’t think I am horrible. I am better than I was a few years ago. But I WANT to be the mindful mom that uses hushed tones and their kid is all ears. I know that yelling does not make anything happen any faster. I know it makes them feel bad. It makes me feel bad.
So this is my ceiling. Becoming the version of a parent that I really want to be. The one that feels connectedness to her kids at all times, not sometimes. I want them to WANT to see me, not have too. Out with the drill sergeant, in with the teenager whisperer.
Today, I will go get them when it is time for dinner. One small victory right there. They are such great kids, I want them to want to be around me when they are grown. This is my greatest fear. They will fly the coop and never return. My second greatest fear is that they will be 27 and living in my basement.
So maybe everything is ok and as it should be. Maybe I beat myself up a little too much. Maybe my 13 year old needs to be yelled at if he lied to me about brushing his teeth. Maybe all really is as it should be and this parenting crap is just hard sometimes.
Another source of my frustration is my older one has adopted his dad’s mannerisms and political beliefs, to my dismay. On the flipside he loves all the music on my 90’s music playlist, that’s a win. At 15 he is becoming his own person. A mesh of some of my ideals and his dad's. Even though I don’t agree with his dad's beliefs, political, or even religious views, I’m realizing that my sons are both allowed to form opinions of their own. As parents we have input, but I don’t get to control it. Letting it go and letting them grow is to allow myself to be free.
I will take the small victories. I may not have a parenting breakthrough, but I win every time my boys hug me. Tell me my food tastes good. That I look beautiful. Or tell me a joke. Maybe the parenting transformation is not about creating perfect kids with a perfect teeth brushing ritual. Rather, it is about accepting them exactly as they are in the little adults that they are becoming.