Women struggling through divorce are easily overpowered by their Ex, their kids, and pretty much everyone. If you are feeling like everyone’s doormat, listen up. It is time to hold your power like the Kung Fu Warrior, Queen, Badass, Mother that you are!
#1. Have Boundaries and Firmly Hold Them
Most people think a threat is a boundary. Like telling your kid, “you better clean your room, or else.” Only there is no “else.” That is an empty threat. Boundaries are borders we put in place for our own sanity. You also deliver a realistic consequence with it, one that you WILL deliver if the boundary is not held. So you might say “if you do not clean your room by dinnertime there will no electronics after dinner.” Then if he does not clean his room, you quietly take away the electronics and suggest a book. It is hard to do, but the more you do it the more you train them.
Here is another example for your Ex. Let’s say he likes to call you and they jump down your throat about everything. You absolutely need a strong boundary around this. You state the problem to him, then you tell him what you will do if he is unable to adhere to your request to stay calm. “Please talk to me in a civil tone, if you do not and you start yelling, I will hang up.” Then, when he starts freaking out and screaming at you, hit the END button. Do not pick up when he calls again at all for at least 24 hours. Teach him that it is not ok to talk to you like that.
#2. Be Optimistic
Sometimes we are tempted to give in to a temper tantrum of a toddler and say “this sucks, life sucks, wahhhhh wahhh wahhh.” If you go down that complaining pity party road, you will only be looking at all the bad things. When you think those negative thoughts, more bad things will be attracted to you. Like attracts like in this Universe. If you focus on all the sad, destructive things around you then that is all you will see and attract.
On the flip side, if you start looking at what you can be grateful for you will attract more positive and constructive energy to you. Looking at the bright side of things will make you a happier person. Happy people are more attractive and fun to be around than unhappy people right? No one wants to sit by the complainer in the lunchroom at work.
#3 Don’t Try to Control What is Not Yours
Stay in your own backyard. I say this to all my clients that try to control things that are way out of their own locus of control. You are not going to go tell your neighbor that he needs to mow his lawn. You are just going to take care of your own lawn and water the grass. You will pull the weeds and tend to the flowers. But you won’t look over the fence and tell your neighbor what he is doing is wrong.
You have control of many things, but “others” is not one of them. Trying to control that will make you nuts. You can only control YOU. Your attitude, beliefs, thoughts, plans, actions, money, words, kindness to others. Only for yourself not anyone else.
#4 Accept Responsibility for Your Feelings
I hear it all the time, “my ex made me feel bad.” But no one can make you feel bad, it is the thoughts that you are applying to what he says that is making you feel bad. YOUR THOUGHTS create your feelings, not other people. If someone you love and trust calls you a mean bitch it only hurts you if you make it mean that it is TRUE about you. I’m guessing you are not a mean bitch, and if someone walked by you on the street and called you that, you wouldn’t feel bad. You would probably think they were mentally ill.
Just because someone is assessing blame to you does not mean you have to take it and make it true in your mind. Our brains like to go there, our primitive brains love to wallow in what we THINK other people think about us. But remember, most people that are spouting off insults are really trying to cover up their own insecurity about themselves. So next time your Ex calls you and idiot hold up the proverbial mirror and think to yourself “yep.”
#5 Practice Forgiveness
Forgiveness is not something we give someone else. It is what we do inside our own minds to either forgive someone or be self-forgiving. When we truly accept what someone has broken our own rules for them, we can understand that this person is unable to follow these rules. We can forgive them, because we know they cannot help themselves and we release them from having to follow our rules. It does not mean we accept their behavior, it means we removed ourselves from being affected by it.
Self-forgiveness is similar. It is accepting that we did the best we could with what we had. We continue to raise the bar on ourselves as we learn more life lessons. We do not wallow in guilt, we take responsibility for ourselves and we move on with higher knowing.
#6 Do Not Entertain Destructive Thoughts
I get it, sometimes you want to punch your Ex in the neck. But wishing ill will on him and his new GF is not going to get you in a better happier place in life. You were dealt the cards you were dealt, what you do with the rest of your life is what matters. Wishing negative things upon them will only hurt you. Thinking destructive thoughts make you sad, angry, and jealous. Those feelings release cortisol into your bloodstream and increases inflammation in your body. You could end up in the hospital while he and the GF are frolicking on the beach in your mind.
Remember, the best revenge is to live a good life. Start working on your new life now by creating positive thought patterns that motivate you to take action. Dream big, set big goals. Make the rest of this one wild life of yours worth it.
#7 Know Who You Are, Stand For, and Worth
I love the story of the dirty crumpled $20 bill. It is still worth $20, but if you are trampled on and worn out by life you feel like you have less value than the next person. It is simply not true. Know your values and live them. When we live by our values we are respecting ourselves and living by our own moral code. This creates and breeds self-esteem.
On the flip side, not living our values and compromising them makes us feel bad. We let down ourselves. So know the version of you that you want to be. Start being her.
You get one chance at this life and you need to make it worth living, no one will do that for you. Life will have setbacks, but each one comes with a little more knowing and become a little easier to deal with.
Take charge of this life and make the most of it by living consciously and striving to hold on to your power over it.