When we want to learn something new we can get a book on it. But how many of you ran to the bookstore when you were contemplating divorce or when you learned he wanted one? Probably not very many of you. But just like learning to bake a souffle or learning a new language, it has been done before you. There is a more efficient way to do it. Learn what others before you learned the hard way so that you don't have to.
Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J Elliot
This book is a roadmap for the different stages of grief and divorce that you will be going through. She helps you recognize what you are feeling and teaches tools to prevent you from spinning out. Through her workshops and popular blog, Susan Elliott has helped thousands of clients and readers transform their love lives. She will help you get back to the real you, even if you didn't know her before.
Her plan includes:
The rules of disengagement: how and why to go "no contact" with your ex
How to work through grief, move past fear, and take back your life
The secret to breaking the pattern of failed relationships
What to do when you can't stop thinking about your ex, texting, calling, checking social networking sites, or driving by the house
Second Firsts Christina Rasmussen
I love neuroscience, but don't let that word scare you. Rasmussen takes her vast knowledge on the brain and how we work and crafts a very easy read on the subject. She herself suffered a great loss and having actual experience created a method for life re-entry. You will understand your pain, your feelings and all the stages you go through. Understanding helps drive acceptance which is a very important first step in your recovery. Inside this book you will find the validation and acceptance you are desperately needing. This book will take you on your journey from pain to possibility.
Eat Pray Love Elizabeth Gilbert
One of the things I love about Gilbert's self reflective journey through divorce is that she does not assess blame or give us a reason for her break up in the first place. We experience her feelings of loss, but she never outed her Ex in anyway. Gilbert took responsibility for the parts that were hers in the demise of her marriage. Then she took us on a whirlwind trip across the continent where she searched desperately for her peace, life balance and most importantly... her SELF. She found herself and when she was finally on two feet she met the man of her dreams and fell in love. We are there through every bit of feels in this journey, and for a moment, I forgot my problems and just enjoyed being swept away.
The Way of the Superior Man David Deida
I'm giving this recommendation with a warning label. There will be parts of it you probably don't agree with and may quite possibly hate. But the parts you like are mind boggling, spiritually awakening, and deeply moving. With this book you will be able to create the man of your dreams in your mind, even if you have no idea what to look for at this point. I found this book helped me identify the ways that my Ex did not fulfill or understand me. I created a new version in my mind of what it means to be a man, no chauvinistic knuckle dragging types. I could really dial it in to what felt authentic to me, and my ideal man would be soft enough to make me feel loved yet strong enough to always be by my side and on my side. I have given this book away almost as many times as I have read it or recommended it. I also loved sharing it with my now hubbs, before we engaged. I wanted his take on it, and I loved the deeply intimate conversations that we had because of this book. MUST READ for any woman who wants to get a clearer picture on what qualities and character traits are important to them.
The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself Michael Singer
This book will completely change you every time you read it. Singer takes you inside your mind and helps you identify the negative chatter inside your head. You will learn where it comes from and the purpose of it. You will also most importantly learn... how to shut it up. He appropriately calls that voice the "bitchy roomate" and then deeps dives into steps and tools you can use in order to transform those destructive thoughts into positive ones. This book is a game changer for anyone that is hostage to their thoughts and their emotions. Stop the spinning out, understand what is going on inside your head. Release anxiety and fear because the voice is telling you lies that you do not have to believe. So much power in a short little book. Do yourself a favor, don't just buy one, buy 3. Keep the one you highlight and dog-ear for reading again.
I would also add EVERY BOOK BY Brene' Brown. At least read these three and in this order:
Gifts of Imperfection
Brene' freaking gets it. If you scrap that whole list above and just go with these three I wouldn't blame you, I would totally support that. I love her work on vulnerability and what it really means. I get it now that being in a love relationship takes an incredible amount of vulnerability. Ladies, that is not a weakness, it takes incredible strength and courage to go there. Imagine the man that talks about his feelings for you, strength or weakness? That is a STRONG effing man girlfriend, I am talking herculean! Brene' talks to you like her best friend and proponent, I would give anything to have a spa weekend with this bestie!
Ok and one more MUST read OR, go online and take the self test at his website. It is the
5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. This one is going to be a little bit of a cheat because you don't actually have to read the book. Chapman offers an online assessment for you to take a test in order to understand the ways that you give and you receive love. His premise is that there are 5 ways we give or receive love in order to be most "felt". Those are:
Words of Affirmation
Acts of Service
All those in no particular order. When you take the test you will learn what one or two of those make you feel the most loved. You will also learn what you do in order to show love. In order to be in a healthy relationship I think this test is a MUST HAVE. I love knowing my hubbs needs words of affirmation and physical touch. Physical touch can be holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or snuggling up in bed, not necessarily sex. But... it doesn't hurt though to have that too! The bonus with the online tool is you can print it out to refer to later, and there is a special test for kids. Kids have love languages too and I found that fun for them.
So if you want to heal and grow as a newly divorced woman, I highly suggest these books in order to give you some insight to what went wrong, but also how to learn from that. Going forward if you apply what you learn from these books into your life, you can have a happier and healthier life. If you want a relationship again, this will help you to have a solid idea of what it is you need to look for in order to fulfill you the most.